There’s a moment we all know. Someone else gets chosen. Someone else gets the praise, the platform, and the recognition, and something in us gets triggered.

I was reminded of this recently through Nona Jones’s devotion on killing comparison. The instinct is to ask, “Why wasn’t I chosen?” or “Why does he or she always get it?”

She points us to a different question instead: why does it matter?

Sit with that one. What if the person you’re trying to prove something to doesn’t even care? What if the validation you’re chasing wouldn’t have satisfied you anyway, even if you’d got it?

Attention is currency in this digital age. Vulnerability is important; it can genuinely help people, but we ought to be discerning about where we are speaking from and where we are leading from. Because it’s possible for vulnerability to quietly stop being about the person listening and start being about us needing to be seen. If you’re checking for reaction after you share something, if the silence afterwards bothers you more than the thing you disclosed, that’s worth being honest with yourself about.

And whether you believe it or not, there are lives and souls in your care. You don’t have to be a mega influencer to influence someone. One person genuinely helped is worth more than a thousand who just scrolled past.

Educating people is not the same as proving them wrong

Even with those with neurodivergence, we have to be careful. There can be a tendency to want to prove people wrong, to say yes, with this diagnosis, I am still able to achieve X, Y, Z. I’m more for shining the light and educating on neurodivergence and its strengths. It’s a trending topic now, more people are coming out and being diagnosed, and that’s a good thing, but we are not defined by these diagnoses.

It’s important not to be defensive when people don’t understand aspects of neurodivergence, especially the challenges, being overstimulated, withdrawn, and the strengths too, like hyperfocus. If we are truly content in who we are, we won’t be moved by what people say or by their misconceptions. That’s something we have to consistently rewire our brains toward, it doesn’t happen on its own.

Those with dyslexia also have a tendency toward overthinking and anxiety, so it’s important to do the deep work so we don’t let other people’s misunderstanding become our own doubt.

You are blessed to be a blessing

I have heard numerous times from people who did their PGCE teacher training that they never got the support they needed, had no resources, and were told by more experienced senior staff to make the resources from scratch themselves. It’s like they didn’t want the newer ones to have an advantage.

I remember it differently. During my own teacher training I had a senior teacher who gave me so many resources, and he told me I should do the same for the other trainees who came after me. You are blessed to be a blessing. That’s what it looks like to not lead from insecurity, to not be a gatekeeper. The same should apply in creative ventures, careers, business, and anywhere, really. Iron sharpens iron.

I also had a trainee I supported who was being bullied and didn’t know how to stand up for themselves. We worked through it together. There were days that weren’t easy, days they cried, and all I could do was stay present and keep showing up for them. By God’s grace I was able to serve them without needing anything back for it. That trainee has since qualified and is now in a senior position at a local school.

I’m also part of a community where the facilitator keeps reminding us of the same thing: share freely, don’t lead from a scarcity mindset. Leading from a place of being sure of yourself doesn’t mean the hurt is gone; it means you’re dealing with it ongoing because we can never fully run away from hurt and disappointment in this life. We are all imperfect. Leading takes courage, constantly forgiving, and constantly choosing to see the best in people even when it’s hard. It has to become a habit.

We see in the Bible that Saul led from a place of insecurity. He didn’t like it when others, like David, were getting the praise instead of him. That kind of insecurity left unchecked can end up making a workplace, or even a whole nation, toxic.

So when the insecurity gets triggered, and it will, the real question isn’t why wasn’t I chosen. It’s whether you’re leading in a way you’d actually want to be led.